Believe it or don't, I've actually done quite a bit of sewing since you last heard from me. But I just couldn't wait to share these exciting revelations from the world of physical fitness. So let's dive in!
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Several long weeks ago, we showed the ladies all they need to know about stretching and dancing. But what about the gents? Not to worry! The expert staff at Snake Oil Sewing have put together a complete workout designed to turn you into the sleek sewists you deserve to be. Oh, I know what you’re thinking: “This is all well and good, but what’s in it for me?” To provide some inspiration, here are some photos of Wilbur Drillhaven’s amazing transformation. This could be you!
Because consulting Bernarr Macfadden’s seminal work Encyclopedia of Physical Culture (Volume II) was so successful in our last installment, we’ll turn to it again now to assist the men in the audience in Building a Powerful Physique. (A reminder: text in bold type is taken from the aforementioned authority.)
Let’s start out simple and learn about Tensing Exercises. The convenience of taking such exercise at any time, without removing the clothing, and even without being noticed when executing them in public, is well worth considering. That’s hard to disagree with, isn’t it? One should avoid the “tetanizing” tendencies of tensing the muscles for too long a time….Too, too true. When time is limited they will answer very well, and they are very convenient for warming up quickly for a bath.
(A bath? Now that’s more like it!)
Here is a tensing exercise you can do in public! (Avoidance of security cameras is advised.)
I promised to introduce you to the real Mister Atlas. Well, that was just a gag to get you coming back for more. In real life, this handsome fellow is muscle definition exhibition master Albert Treloar. Guess what he’s doing? Tensing exercises!
We mustn’t forget the importance of strengthening the upper body as well. Here’s where you again get to enlist the help of a friend. Have your friend disrobe and lay on the floor. Then, with arms locked in the position shown, he should raise and lower you while you rest on his palms. You will want to raise your arms (this is where the upper body strength comes in handy) to maintain your balance. It’s easy and fun! By taking a step forward with the “off” leg, there will be less strain on the back and shoulder muscles….Practice makes perfect, and, as in learning anything else, one has to keep continually at the game to master it. (Another mouthful, there, Mr. M!)
Having trouble getting motivated? Here is Mr. Drillhaven, again, trying his level best to get off the level. It’s not easy, but what is easy that is truly worth having? It’s sad to say but, like many men, Wilbur had a skinny, chicken neck. He performed these simple exercises every morning and evening for fifteen short months. I think you’ll agree: the results speak for themselves!
Repeat until tired.
Perhaps there is nothing more unsightly or unwholesome to behold than a scrawny, undeveloped neck….If a long, thin and puny neck is distasteful to behold, it is no less so than one which is gross through the process of a heavily sagging double chin and the accumulation of other massive rolls of fat. There. I'm sorry to be brutal but it needed to be said. But just look at Wilbur now!
Now we should introduce vigorous motion into the routine. With a friend’s assistance, you can warm up with some leg lifts. Isn’t it nice that you don’t have to change out of your business attire for these exercises? You can do these right in your office! Just put on a little music, get yourself a spotter, and you’re ready to go.
Just be sure to put your legs back on straight when you’re done. That can’t be stressed enough.
Well, here’s an exercise full of motion and muscular energy. You may remember our portly forty-day fasting friend. He appears here again to demonstrate the proper technique for Leap Frog. Don’t let the playful expression on his face fool you; this is a serious exercise and not for the weak-kneed! Leap frog is a good active game for boys, and naturally just as good for adults who are willing to forget their dignity for the sake of their health. I fear the danger to this man’s dignity lies more in his jumpsuit than in his leaping.
Okay, I promised to tell you all about cock fighting and that was no gag! The magnitude of the task that confronted the physical instructors and athletic directors engaged in this undertaking, demanded the most effective method of group instruction that could be devised – and this demand was promptly and adequately met [italics mine]. May you benefit from their dedication.
I present to you the game of Cock Fight, as illustrated by two strapping young volunteers. No equipment needed. Here’s how it works: a circle four feet in diameter is drawn upon the floor or ground. Two players standing on one leg, both hands grasping the other foot behind their backs, endeavor to make the other step outside of the ring or break his clasp upon the up-held foot, by shouldering each other. Do you think you could possibly attempt these maneuvers without an illustration? Of course not. So here it is! I appreciate the lovely, pastoral backdrop, don’t you?
Certainly, all of this strenuous activity is enough to for any man to work up quite a sweat. In case you haven’t before, consider the Heat Lamp Air Bath. (He sure looks happy for a guy wearing a diaper, doesn’t he?)
Well, that does it for our introduction to health and vitality. In Part Two we'll introduce Bowling Pin Dancing and finally put an end to every man’s secret shame: how to hold one’s pants up while exercising. Join us again, won’t you?
